Clarity
by Amanda Kitswell
Summary: It has been years since Velanna returned from her journey to find Seranni. The events that took place while she was gone still haunt her. She escapes to a familiar area of the forest to reflect on the choice she made. While freedom from the guilt that ravages her during every moment may be unattainable, support is closer than she knows. Based on a bipolar!Velanna headcanon.


Her heart hammered like a hummingbird's in her chest, ready to burst. She wasn't sure if it was from the pounding of her feet as she ran from Vigil's Keep towards the forest beyond, or from the thoughts that swirled in her mind; a hurricane which destroyed the walls she built around it. Heat radiated from her skin. Sweat poured into her eyes and mingled with the tears that welled within.

Lakia hadn't meant to cause this, she knew, but still she ran. Past Ayden, whose sad eyes she felt follow her as he paused his ministrations over his mortar and pestle, a sprig of elfroot gripped loosely between his fingers. And further still past Nathaniel, a half-fletched arrow the only thing she saw before she turned her head. She wouldn't let him see her like this—he didn't know. Nobody did. And she didn't think she could tell him.

Mud squelched beneath her feet, but, light as a feather, she sped across it, never once losing her balance on the recently rain-drenched earth. She wove through the trees and sidestepped roots, ducked branches and leaves as the hot summer air rushed past her face like flames.

_I'm sorry, Seranni._

* * *

><p>Nathaniel watched Velanna disappear into the forest, his eyes narrowed into thin lines and his hand held up to block out the violent light of the afternoon sun. What had that been about? Certainly, Velanna spent more and more time out among the trees than she did before she left to find her sister, but she had never fled the Vigil in order to do so before now.<p>

Perhaps it had something to do with what happened when she was gone. He hadn't the slightest idea what it was, but it left an unmistakable mark of sadness on her, and any mention of her sister had her just as closed off as she always had been. Of course, she was more open with Nathaniel recently than ever before, but still, she refused to disclose what about her journey had her so obviously distraught.

Footsteps approached behind him, and he turned around. "Do you know what that was about?" Ayden asked. His eyes flickered from the edge of the forest and back to Nathaniel. "I've never seen Velanna like that before."

"I'm not entirely sure," Nathaniel said, and placed his knife and the arrow he had been working on to the stood. "I never am with Velanna."

Ayden nodded, and his eyes reflected understanding amidst their usual melancholy. "She is very closed off. I worry about her."

"As do I," Nathaniel replied; his lips twitched with a small smile. "But Velanna is a strong woman. Whatever it is that worries her, she will deal with it in her own time."

"Should we go after her? See if she needs anything?"

"Not quite yet." He cast a glance back at the forest, and in that moment allowed the worry to show on his face. "If she hasn't returned by supper, I will look for her. I know those woods better than anyone else; I practically lived in them as a child."

"How will you find her?" Ayden asked.

Though no doubt was reflected in his tone of voice, Nathaniel could tell the mage was unsure. "I'm a fairly good tracker. She wouldn't admit it, but I've always been able to find her when I needed to out there."

"I see," he replied, still dubious. "If you require any poultices, should you need to go in, simply ask. I have more than enough ingredients."

"Thank you, Ayden." More footsteps approached, and Nathaniel turned as the dwarven arlessa approached. Her brown eyes were concerned, but otherwise, her dark face was impassive. "Lakia, is something the matter?"

"Have either of you seen Velanna?" she asked, and her voice, while level, was tinged with worry, her Orlesian accent just the slightest bit thicker.

"As a matter of fact, yes. She just ran past us, towards the forest."

"Shit." Lakia ran a hand through her hair. "I can never seem to say the right thing when it comes to her. Though she has never run off like that before."

"What do you mean?" Ayden asked. His dark brows furrowed tightly. "What did you say?"

"You know how we have been tasked to clear out and close the entrances to the Deep Roads that have been cropping up along the coast near the Frostback Mountains?" Both men nodded. "I made a joke of it and said she could probably . . . what is it you Fereldans say? Kill two birds with one stone? Yes, that is it. Anyway, I said she could probably just kill two birds with one stone and blast the entrances and make them cave in. She excused herself and hurried from the hall."

Nathaniel pursed his lips, and again he cast a look over his shoulder at the spot where Velanna had disappeared among the trees. "She was in the Deep Roads on a personal mission some time ago. Did Warden Commander Amell ever tell you about Velanna's disappearance?"

"The night of the siege on the Vigil?" Lakia nodded. "Yes, she did, though she knew little of the reason why. Or so she said; I believe she was holding something of import from me."

"Perhaps, like me, it was not her place to say." Nathaniel turned back to the dwarf. "As I told Ayden, I will go after her if she hasn't returned by supper. For now, she most likely needs time to herself."

"You know her better than anyone, Nathaniel." Lakia bowed her head—Nathaniel and Ayden returned the gesture—and made her way back to the Keep.

* * *

><p>"<em>Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Seranni giggled, and Velanna could sense her sister nearby as she pressed her back against a large oak tree. She remained silent, and stifled a giggle as Seranni groaned in frustration. She was always quite terrible at finding Velanna.<em>

_A twig snapped not far from the tree that concealed her, and Velanna jumped. She scooted along the tree, careful not to make any noise, and listened closer still. Leaves crunched beneath someones weight, well aways from her, and she couldn't help her quiet laughter. She dashed between the trees and found a beech tree with thick branches, and swung up onto one. She climbed until she was well above Seranni's eye line._

"_I swear, if you've found another ditch to hide in, I will never play with you again!"_

_Velanna barked a laugh that easily gave away her position, and Seranni's whoop of triumph wiped the frustration from Velanna's face and replaced it with a smile. Seranni hurried to the tree in which Velanna hid._

"_From now on, you're not allowed to hide where I can't see you!"_

Velanna opened her eyes and immediately shut them against the harsh glare of sunlight, and the grass prickled her back. She lay in a clearing hidden amongst the trees, her bronze skin baking beneath the unforgiving summer sun, yet it never occurred to her to move to the shade. What did it matter? The burn would heal in a few days time, and she would be none the worse for wear from it.

Memories of the time she spent with Seranni assaulted her, and she could feel the tight pull of dried tear tracks on her cheeks, as good as burned into her skin. A new tattoo to remind her of the impossible choice she had needed to make. It felt as if all the tears she had within her had been spent, and she lay there for innumerable moments simply staring at the back of her eyelids. Come to think of it, she hadn't the vaguest idea how long it had been since she had found this clearing and lain upon the sun-warmed grass.

Even at rest as she was, her heart beat a rapid rhythm against her chest, and she was sure at any moment it would escape its prison and free her from this ache it caused. She almost wished it would, wished she could end her suffering once and for all and join Seranni in death. It would be easier than carrying the guilt with which she had been burdened since she left the Deep Roads and returned to Amaranthine.

A twig snapped to her right, and for one brief, awful, beautiful moment as she turned her head she believed she would open her eyes and see Seranni, a large smile on her lips as she called, "I found you!" Her heart sank deep into the pit of her stomach—so deep she felt as if she might throw it up—when Nathaniel crossed the barrier of trees into the clearing, the sun a dull reflection on his leather armor.

He said nothing. Rather, he crossed to where she rested, and the grass crinkled as he lay beside her and closed his eyes against the sun. She stared at him for a time, baffled by how he seemed to know exactly what she needed in this moment. Silence. Reflection.

To not feel so alone.

She turned her head to once again face toward the late afternoon sky, and saw that the sun had slipped out of sight. It left the sky a clear, light blue, a smattering of soft clouds brushing the tips of the trees which surrounded the clearing. It was stunning, a marvel of the Creators, and she found peace in their creation.

Her chest rose slowly as she inhaled a deep, steadying breath. "I . . ." she started, and lost her voice as she tried to sift through the thoughts that plagued her and find her words. Nathaniel didn't move. "I-I found her, or I think she found me." She remembered her sister as Velanna had found her; her hair had thinned to almost nonexistence, her eyes glazed over to the point where their color was entirely indistinguishable. Velanna forced herself to remember Seranni as she had been. Straw blonde hair that framed a beautiful, light gold face and shimmering, pale green eyes that glimmered with carefree happiness.

"There was hardly anything I knew of her left. She . . . she struggled to speak to me. I hardly recognized her voice." Velanna was painfully aware of the pull of the dried tears on her cheek, and her eyes felt dry and strangely empty. "What little she could say was garbled and incoherent. I swear she sounded anguished when she cried out, and then she . . . attacked me. I couldn't believe it, and she very nearly killed me in my hesitation. I didn't have a choice. I had to . . . I had to kill her.

"I couldn't get to my dagger in time and she had knocked me to the ground. I tried to . . . cast a fireball at her chest, thinking it would kill us both so I wouldn't have to live with what I was about to do, but I missed. It struck the ceiling and it began to fall on us. A large chunk struck her on the head and she rolled off me. I almost laid there and allowed myself to be killed by my own misfire, but . . . I couldn't. I couldn't because . . ." At this, Nathaniel's head turned. She couldn't meet his eyes. Again, she struggled to find words. She remembered a request, made years ago in this very clearing. "You asked me to return, and for Creators only know what reason, I felt compelled to do as you requested. So I did. I returned to the Wardens . . . to you."

Still, he said nothing. Slowly, she turned her head to look at him, and saw a small smile tugging at his lips, though his eyes showed nothing but sympathy. In spite of herself, she returned the smile, and felt the aching beat of her heart slow. She felt something brush against her hand, and soon her fingers were laced with his.

She turned her head back to look at the sky, and she felt lighter. She no longer felt so alone in her grief, in her guilt, and though she would never say it aloud, she thanked Nathaniel for that. She had her suspicions that she didn't need to say it for him to know it. He was perceptive that way.

"I'm glad you returned," he said, and the pressure on her hand increased for just a moment.

Her smile widening only the slightest bit, she said, "I am, too."


End file.
